My Little Black Book

I am a list maker.  I have been all of my life.  I write lists almost obsessively.  I write everything and anything.  Every morning I sit at the breakfast table and make out my to-do list for the day, and hope that this is the day I'll get the items all crossed off (unlikely, I'm a bit too ambitious when that first cup of coffee hits me).  I even get excited to start a new grocery list each week.  Seriously.  But I'm notorious for not finishing whatever I do start writing, like journals.  Or blogs.  Or the great American novel.  :(  So I decided I would not take on that ancient tradition of starting a new diary on January 1st.  Nor did I make my proclamation of resolutions.

Maybe it's my age, but I don't really do the New Year's resolution thing anymore.  I have goals in mind for myself, but they're a little more specific than "lose weight" or "save money".  And normally they are goals I've been working on for awhile and just need to continue chasing down.  This week I was cleaning up some things in the basement and J asked if I could find a small notebook he could use, and when I brought one up for him I flipped open into the middle of it and found a list of personal goals I had written in 2000!  It was three pages long!  Yes, really.  Normally I would be uptight about sharing something like that, but I decided that if 2014 was going to be the year I loosened up and let go and opened myself up to all life has to throw at me- this would be a good test.  So instead of hiding it in embarrassment I gave it to J, and he proceeded to read out the entire list.  We laughed about a lot of the items, because they are still things I'm struggling with now.  Some of them, I couldn't remember writing down because they were issues I overcame a long time ago.  Even J said about some of the worst ones, hey you don't do this.  I said, this list is from before we met, I was a very different person back then.

At the office I used to have lists posted everywhere.  Sticky notes on my computer, handwritten lists on my whiteboard, electronic reminders that popped up on my email first thing every morning.  Even with my morning to-do list here at home, it hasn't been enough for me, because they get crumpled up and thrown out every evening.  The next day I'm fumbling around saying, uhm, what did I do yesterday?  So instead of a new journal this year, I went to the office supply store and bought one of those appointment books, a big one that has one entire page per day and broken down into every quarter hour.  And I've been writing everything down.  Everything.  Even if it's just taking out the garbage or unloading the dishwasher.  Even if it's recycling old magazines or gathering up clothes for the next Goodwill run. Everything.  At the end of the day, I can look back and say, wow, I am accomplishing things.  It seems like a stupid little undertaking, but filling out every small detail from my day into that appointment book, has made a world of difference to me so far.  And I'm being honest in it.  If I sat reading for an hour or soaked in a hot bath for awhile, I write that down too.

My depression seemed to deepen at the end of 2013 because I had a lot of days- and weeks- where I felt like I was drifting, just simply existing.  At the end of the day I couldn't put my finger on where my hours had gone.  I know healing from my surgery seemed to compound it, because I had days where I did not do a single damn thing with my wrist in the cast.  Even now I have to be careful.  Last week I picked up a grocery sack and felt a sharp pop, and the surgery site swelled up and I was in miserable pain for several days.  I won't be completely, 100%, perfectly healed for a long time to come.  But I can still function.  And I've been trying my best to make the most out of my days.

I continue to get up with J every morning at 6am.  We go to bed about 10pm, sometimes a bit later.  I can't seem to convince anyone that I don't take naps, at all.  I think perhaps twice I've slept during the day, when I was sick.  That's it.  Only my mom believes me when I say I don't nap or sleep in.  I told her it's very important to me to not only stay on the same schedule as J, so I'll go to bed when he does.  But also to continue to stay on a normal schedule so that when/if I do go back to work, it won't be such a shock to my body.  Most days I don't leave the house, but now that I'm writing down the minutiae of my day, I can see that even as a homebody, I too have relevant tasks and projects and chores.  If I settled into my easy chair in the corner of our bedroom with a cat in my lap and read for 12 straight hours a day, no one is here to tell on me.  But that's not what I want out of life.

The appointment book has made me realize that I do have worth, that I do add value to this little family unit of ours, and that I'm not just wasting my time by staying at home.  I can make a to-do list every day and stick to it.  I can create goals and work on them.  I can make a difference.  I'm going to go as far as saying writing in the book has even boosted my self-esteem just a little bit.  It feels good every night to look at the page and see it's complete.  My day was complete. It gives me hope that maybe my life will be complete.  Thanks DayMinder 2014!

MISS GEE

07.15 - By Unknown 0

Better Days

I wanted to post today because J is gone for the day, and that's really the only time I have the freedom to post on this anonymous blog without fear of him catching me.  Well, fear is not the right word, but you know what I mean- I don't really want him to find this blog.  I spent this morning reading over my old posts, and frankly they all sounded the same. Complaining about work, whining about my life, blah blah- full of negativity.  I don't feel as though I've moved forward one bit since starting this blog last year, and my purpose was to work out some of my issues and feelings, that are causing my depression and constant funk about life.  I don't see where I've accomplished anything in that arena yet.  I started a post a few hours ago, and decided to save it for another time, it wasn't something I wanted to think about this morning.  My Saturdays alone don't come that often and I want to enjoy it. One of J's best friends of 25 years lives in this area, and once every few weeks, they get together for a guy date.  Usually to go spend the entire day at a casino nearby.  I know J won't be home until late tonight.  I literally have the entire day to myself with nowhere that I have to be.  I wanted to work in my garden, but it has turned out to be a very wet and rainy, and cold, weekend.  So I am opting to stay inside and post about something fun.

If J was at home today, we probably would already be in town running errands like dropping off his work clothes at the dry cleaners, going to the large warehouse club to stock up on bulk items, stopping in at the grocery store, having lunch out.  That's our regular Saturday routine when we are in town, and I love it, the comfort in the normalcy and teamwork.  J and I do all our errands together, and I appreciate that I have a husband who actually enjoys going to get groceries.  It sounds so mundane, but there are weeks where our Saturdays spent buying bird seed, paper towels, and frozen pizzas, are the absolute highlights of my life! We had a great night last night, sushi dinner out with another couple, and then bowling until almost midnight- the guys drank beer all night long and we wives happily drove them home.  J deserves to have his day today, to spend the way he wants.   And so today I am balancing the housework with the things I want to do for myself.  Hell, it's after noon and I haven't even gotten out of my pajamas yet.  I celebrate that as well!

The laundry is almost done, I'm getting ready to put all the bed linens in the washer.  I've started cleaning the bathrooms, sorting the recycling, scrubbing the stove top.  But in between I've been working on pottery, and shortly I'm going to go sit in my favorite spot in the house and read.  On my Saturdays alone, I flit from place to place, working on chores a few minutes here and there, then bounding upstairs to glaze bisque bowls.  By the time J gets home tonight, I will feel as though I accomplished a great deal.  It will be a good day- I know my hubby is having a nice afternoon and blowing off the stress of a super hard week at work, and I will be able to start off my Sunday knowing that all my housework is done.  And I will have enough pieces finished and ready that I can load up my kiln tomorrow morning.

I have a lot of things that I love to do- paint, write, cook, garden- but I am very mediocre at them all.  And that's okay. I never expected to have art hanging in a gallery, or win the Pulitzer Prize for my fiction.  I've sold plenty of my crafts over the years. Back in the 80's when street fairs were all the rage, I would set up booths with my mom or friends, and sell small things.  Later on in the early 90's, I had a brief period of time when I wasn't working and I set up at flea markets and art festivals.  It wasn't enough money to make a living, just enough to make it a fun hobby that kept me going.  I have never taken art classes, and my painting is amateurish at best.  But in the new century, I've managed to sell everything I've listed on eBay or Etsy.  I just haven't listed anything since we moved here.

I had always wanted to do pottery, I've always loved buying it from little shops during weekend mountain getaways or at auctions and estate sales.  My china cabinet is full of both local pieces and vintage pottery, some even handed down to me by family.  Back in our old town, I decided one day I wanted to give it a shot, so in 2006 I signed up for a workshop at one of the city rec centers.  I was totally hooked, and went to classes every Tuesday night after work.  I would make pieces all week long, take them to classes to drop them off for firing.  I started selling everything online.  I never got a chance to take a class on using the wheel, so everything I make is formed by hand.  I do use a lot of rubber stamps for designs, but I don't really feel like that's cheating!  I also use commercial premade glazes, and most of the pottery in shops use glazes that are homemade by the potter.  Commercial glaze is a little pricey, and I do want to learn how to make my own eventually.

Moving here, I was unable to find any kind of pottery studios nearby, everything was at least 45 minutes away in any direction.  Plus now with the hours at my job expanding constantly, I was not able to commit to any kind of regular classes, even if I had the gumption to drive that distance.  Last year, my wonderful Mister finally broke down and bought me a kiln of my own.  I'd never used one before, ever.  So, being that J is so very smart and practical, we agreed on getting the smallest and least expensive kiln available.  It's actually a test kiln, which is designed for potters to test fire very small pieces, for example to see what a new glaze might look like once it's fired.  And since I just make small handmade pieces, normally 4 x 4 tiles or candle holders, it made sense.  J promised that if, in a couple of years, I decided that I wanted a larger kiln he would happily get it for me.  I think he wants to make certain this is something I will stick with, instead of my normal process of getting all excited about a new hobby only to lose interest in a few months.  A smart move, since a larger kiln will run a few thousand bucks.  Even this little one, was a dime.

I've been making pieces in the evenings and on weekends when we're at home, but so far I have not listed a single thing online to sell.  My cabinet where I've been placing all my finished pieces, is about full now.  But I have nitpicked imagined flaws on every item to the point where, I have convinced myself not to list it, that no one would want to buy it.  I'm not sure where this attitude is coming from, knowing that I successfully sold my pieces in the past.  Why am I not putting the items on my Etsy page, and letting people decide for themselves if they want to buy it or not?  I am convincing myself that suddenly I'm not good enough.  I look at all the other pottery out there on Etsy and look at mine and say, wow I suck.  But no one is going to criticize me as harshly as I will.  J is trying to be supportive and encouraging me to get everything listed.  He's even been saving small boxes for me and bubble wrap, for when I make a sale and need to ship it.  Now that is a very optimistic partner I have.  Right now, just the fact that I've actually been working on the pottery, has started me on the regular routine of working on a piece every night.  Even if it's 15 minutes of painting a coat of glaze.  Wish I could make myself get on the treadmill every night too, but that's another area of my life I'm still trying to work on.  I know I'm not a great potter, I can't make a vase or a coffee mug, but somewhere in the last 2-3 years I have lost my self-confidence in my art.  Where did it go?  Hhhmmm....

And just so everyone doesn't think I'm delusional and to show that I actually do pottery, here is one of my favorite tiles that I made and sold a few years ago, River Dance.  I actually won a blue ribbon for this piece, from an online art competition.  So I know I can do this.

I just need to find that creativity and confidence again now!

MISS GEE

11.00 - By Unknown 0

New Year, New Attitude- Hopefully

I've written posts over the last few weeks, and ended up deleting them all.  They started off sincerely enough, then each one turned into a bitter and angry rant about my job and my boss.  I just don't even want to talk about it anymore.  I wanted to begin 2013 with a focus on positive messages and good energy. Suffice to say, J did not get either of the promotions he put in for, we are not moving, and we will continue to work and live where we are now.  We will carry on and commit to our "five year plan" of paying off our house and putting away the max into our 401K's and stocks, and make certain we fully enjoy the good times away from the office. We are both 46, and when we reach our early 50's, our goal is to be able to downsize not just our lives, but our jobs as well.  And yes, to reach that goal, we know we have to continue to bust ass with our careers right now, even though both of us hate our jobs, our bosses, and the company.  But one day, hopefully, we can leave behind the 50-60+ hours a week at the company and both find something in life that we really want to do, and enjoy Monday through Friday each week instead of dreading it.  So that's all I'm going to say about work right now.  It's not going to change, I just have to change my attitude about it, and see it as the means to a wonderful retirement.  Instead of griping about the 12 hour days and being asked to work on the weekend, I should rejoice and really look at that paycheck stub instead of sticking it in the shredder every Thursday night when I get home.  Every hour of overtime there, every nasty email from my horrible boss, every stupid meeting I have to sit through- that is just one step closer to getting out of there permanently.  Without getting laid off or anything!

For the last few months of 2012, I sort of stopped living my normal life, waiting to see if we were moving.  Now that I know we're not, I'm trying to get back in the swing of things and I'm looking forward to spring already.  I've ordered a gazillion different bulbs from online, and I'm waiting for them to show up at my doorstep, excited and ready to start digging holes.  The ground doesn't really freeze down here, so I can plant them as soon as they arrive.  I'm making plans to expand the flower beds that we created last year, and have hopes of making a few new ones.  We live in a new cookie cutter subdivision, and most of the landscapes are still just the sad little green shrubs the builders threw underneath windows in pitifully small beds.  I've been adding new bulbs and perennials every year since we moved in, and slowing cutting back or digging up the boring little bushes.  I by no means have a green thumb, and I am basically a lazy gardener, which is why I only plant bulbs and perennials.  I don't ever bother with annuals, too much work year after year.  I want to plant it once and enjoy it forever.  I really want a vegetable garden, but J feels like that would be too much work and need too much time for us to keep one going.  I try to grow peppers and tomatoes every year in large pots, but even those I tend to forget to water, and when they do grow, the deer strip everything right off them.  Maybe this year I'll put them upstairs on our deck instead of downstairs on our patio.

I've not been doing much pottery or exercising at all, but I want 2013 to be a year of change for us, to find better balance with our work and home life.  We are both so tired when we come home every night, we rarely do anything but eat dinner, watch TV for me, and get on the computer for him.  We are both overweight, tired, out of shape, and not in great health.  That's not what I want for us, and he certainly doesn't either, and we can't wait until we're in our 50's before we start working on our physical and mental well-being. I want to enter our retirement in fantastic health and ready to enjoy it from day one.  I've got to get in the habit of doing something creative and productive every night.  I don't even have to give up my favorite shows on TV- I've got one in front of my treadmill, and one in the room I brazenly call my art studio.  My personal five year plan, is to have my Etsy shop and art fair business going now with my pottery and painting, so that it will be a potential income for the rest of my life, even if it's just a modest success.  As J told me this morning when we were talking about it, we've got to have our exit strategies in place now, instead of quitting our jobs and saying- now what, and where do I begin?  And I know part of getting to that point, is going to be better health and energy for me, because I do struggle so much with exhaustion when I get home at night.  My "home balance" is sadly out of whack right now.  Even if I just spend one hour a night upstairs in my craft room, that's an achievable goal in the right direction.

I also have to focus on what I see as failings as a wife, although J would argue with this entire paragraph. I was raised by a mother who stayed home and kept an immaculate house and served a wonderful dinner every night.  And she still does, even though my parents are in their 70's.  My dad still works, because he wants to, and my mom still irons clothes and mows the lawn.  I suspect I'm a bit old-fashioned as well, when it comes to my ideas on what a great wife should be like.  I am terrible at keeping the house clean and orderly, and as far as my cooking, well no one has ever died from it but I have nights I actually apologize to J about it.  My husband never complains, ever.  He gets annoyed when I say I'm sorry- about the kitchen counter not being spotless, or the chicken being overcooked.  He does not want me to apologize or feel somehow inadequate. But it makes me feel like shit when my husband, who works harder than anyone I know, comes home and cleans litter boxes or unloads the dishwasher (I say I'm lazy, he says I've work hard all day and I'm just tired).  He shouldn't have to do those things, I should keep the house clean and get a handle on all the domestic responsibilities.  But he does housework willingly and with joy, because he loves me for working almost as many hours as he does. While that sometimes helps with my guilty feelings, it still does not make me feel like a good wife.  I know I've got to get over that, and one way is to find better, quicker, easier ways to clean and cook, and still work 10-12 hours a day.  It's actually very important to my self-esteem.  I am honored that my husband loves me and wants me as his wife and partner, and I just have days where I don't believe I measure up.

MISS GEE

I love this photo from my parents' 50th anniversary party a few months ago- my sister, my rockin' mom, and me.

12.21 - By Unknown 0