Eventually

I had started another post but deleted it.  I found it to be hollow and very fake.  I think I was trying to cheer myself up, but I'm not sure that is really what I want- or need- to do.  I reminded myself yet again, this blog is supposed to keep me honest, this is my blog for my real feelings, no matter what they are.  The "phony happy" stuff is for my other blogs that the family reads.

I think I'm just super down right now because J is in Philadelphia for the week on business, and after a few weeks of sunshine it's back to being rainy and dreary again here.  Combine the two and I'm just mopey.  J thankfully doesn't have to travel overnight much, and seldom for this long.  So our nights apart are few. And in being honest, there is a little piece of me that is somewhat relieved for a night or two alone.  I can miss J at the same time that I enjoy the evening to myself.  I can shuttle aside the domestic duties of dinner and a clean house, in favor of frozen pizza and reading for hours in my pajamas.  Truth be told, even five months of staying at home now, and I still can't stand doing the housework thing.  It's just not my forte.  I am growing to love my pottery more and more, but when I have to push myself away from my work table and clay and glazes, to go empty the dishwasher, I do get a bit annoyed.  And that's just me being selfish.  We have a beautiful home that I absolutely do not take for granted, and I should be ashamed at myself for not wanting to keep it at its cleanest.

Anyhow.

I've talked before about being alone and being lonely, and the difference between the two.  I am still doing fine as I go through my days alone.  Even to make a small pottery piece there are so many steps involved- shaping the wet clay and firing it once it's dried, glazing it and then firing it again, photographing it and listing it online, packaging and shipping it.  Yes, even just for one tiny bead or charm.  As an artist, being alone most of the time is the key to creativity, and there really isn't any other way to spend your time if you are working on a project.  And I'm okay with that, and my personality is perfectly suited to working by myself.  I see J every morning before he goes to work, we talk at least once a day on the phone, and then he comes straight home every evening as soon as he can.  Usually by 8pm, but that's a part of our marriage that I've learned to accept.  With the new responsibilities he took on when we moved here, later nights at work are just part of the normal routine.  Nothing I do or say is going to get him home to me any sooner.

I have been feeling a bit lonely these days.  Okay, really lonely.  I've come to realize that other than J, I am alone in my current world.  Maybe that's being a bit melodramatic, but it's how I've been feeling.  I've been talking to my long-distance best friend again, having our marathon chats on the phone.  Despite her severe depression, she's been my best friend for almost 13 years now and I just don't want to give up on her, no matter how much she brings me down.  I've about convinced J to take us "back home" for a weekend visit soon, so I can see her.  She was overjoyed at just the thought of having lunch with me.  But she and my other closest friend, are both 300 miles and 5 hours away.  I don't have anyone here.  

Recently I had lunch out with one of the ladies I used to work with here, and tomorrow I'm having lunch with another former co-worker.  But you know sharing an hour with someone, talking on the phone or having a meal out, just isn't the same.  They are barely more than acquaintances, not the type who would drop whatever they are doing at that moment to come pick me up if I was stranded.  I don't really have anyone like that now in my life, except for J.  And lately that's made me sad.  I miss my friends from my past life.  I miss my old city.  I deeply miss my old house.  I miss all the places that I used to go- alone, with girlfriends, with J.  Truthfully, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about our old life.  J confesses that he is the same.  I know he has been equally as unhappy in our new life.  He too left behind friends and favorite haunts.  Neither of us has really connected with anyone new here, even after five years.  He tells me at least once a week, he has never been more sorry about anything than he is about taking this job and moving us.

But that situation is not going to change.  We are not going to move back to our old town.  Even if we did, we couldn't have our old house back and probably couldn't even get into our old neighborhood.  It wouldn't and couldn't ever be the same.  Even the little bagel shop we used to walk to every single Sunday morning, has closed down.  It's funny, I lived in that town for 13 years, and I complained about it all the time.  Truth is, it had nothing to do with where I lived. It was who I lived with.  When I was with W, I was miserable, so I blamed a lot of my unhappiness on the town- he moved me from my hip hometown on the beach to a little hick town for his new job.  I took out my anger at W, on the town instead.  For ten years I put it down, I told everyone how stupid and backwards the town was and how I hated it, and hated living there, and I just wanted to get away.  Substitute the word "town" for "husband" and you see where I was coming from.  Yet once I was with J, my world changed from the inside out and suddenly that little town wasn't so bad after all.  Suddenly I grew to love it, and now here I sit, removed from it almost five years ago, and I miss everything about it.

Our routine was basically the same back then.  We worked together, we took lunch together when we could.  I worked a crazy shift- 4am until 1pm.  I went home in the afternoons and got the chores done, worked on my art or relaxed with a book, then he came home later in the evening and we had dinner.  On the weekends we ran around and did fun things like estate sales or went up to the mountains.  Pretty much nothing has changed for us.  Except our home, our neighborhood, our friends.  We do the same things here, but it isn't the same.  I don't like this house, I hate this neighborhood, we don't have real friends.  This time, when I say I hate this town, I really AM talking about the town.  But, this is where J and I decided together to move.  J isn't crazy about this town either, but we are stuck here for a good long while.  We are trying to make the most of it, but it's been rough going.  If J and I didn't have each other, I'm not sure what either of us would do.  J leans on me as much as I do him.  Moving here made our relationship stronger, but it also made our world so much smaller.

I know it's my fault I haven't made friends.  I had plenty of opportunities when I was working, to make a friendship stick.  I just didn't meet anyone I truly clicked with.  Finding a good friend is like falling in love, you know it the instant you meet the person.  Friendships shouldn't be forced or contrived.  And having things in common with another person, is not a guarantee that a relationship should be formed.  Not one person I worked with, actually lives in my town.  I drove 25 miles to get to the office, and everyone lived all over the map, none of them close by.  I know there are websites devoted to bringing couples together, or seminars on how to meet that special person.  But, where is the help in finding a friend?  Where is the local hangout for folks looking for friendship only?  Will I meet her at the dry cleaners, the grocery store, the garden center?  Those are the places I go.

I already have my soulmate, I just want someone to meet for coffee on Saturday afternoons.  Someone who doesn't live 300 miles away. 

MISS GEE

Our old house- I cry every time I see the photos.  Our life was perfect there.

16.08 - By Unknown 0

Waning Across Borders

Well I don't have any appropriate photos for my post today, but I'll find something totally obscure but interesting before I hit publish.  Today, my best friend N is heavily on my mind, and it's because I'm starting to think about letting the relationship go.  I've been friends with her since 2001, when I started working for our company- the same company I just left and the one that J still works at.  This was in the state we lived in prior to coming to our current town.  I met her on day one because she was given the task of training me, so we were side by side from the beginning.  I don't know why we clicked right away, I'm not really sure we've ever had anything in common.  I think we just fell into the relationship because as my "mentor", she and I spent a lot of time around each other, even going to lunch together every day.

N is about ten years older.  She's that friend you can tell almost anything to, but she's not quite open-minded enough to tell everything.  N has always been very sensitive and gets her feelings hurt easily, so with that in mind, I can't really be 100% myself around her because I feel as though I have to watch what I say.  I am a smart ass but I would have to hold back just a little around her, she would even get tears in her eyes when I was making fun of myself.  I've always done my best to try and make her laugh, because if ever there was a woman who needed joy and brightness in her life, it's N.  She has very old-fashioned values and a very submissive nature, and I know I can be overbearing sometimes.  I would give her advice to speak up to her husband or boss, and she would say oh my goodness I couldn't do that.  Really, she didn't cuss at all, and I have a mouth like a sailor so I tried to behave around her, but it's not really in my nature to be prim and proper.

When I met N, she was probably in her early 40's.  But even back then she had completely gray hair (she's always been "afraid" to color it), she wore sad and frumpy clothes, unflattering flat plain shoes, and gigantic granny glasses.  Mind you, I will be 47 this year, and I can't imagine appearing out in public that way. My 70-year-old mother dresses hipper than N did at 45.  I don't think N stopped caring about how she looked, because although her clothes were in a style that was 20 years too old for her, she did shop at the nicer department stores and bought quality.  She wore makeup and jewelry and went frequently to have her hair "done", so she was always put together quite well.  N had two sons whom she adored and doted on, although both had moved away to towns that were close enough yet far enough away from their mom.  She talked about her sons more than anything else.

I will say that N was one of the many catalysts in my decision to divorce W.  I would never ever tell her this, because it would break her heart, but whenever I was around N and her husband I would see my future with W and think, damn I have to get out of my marriage as soon as I can.  N's husband was very much like W, in fact he was a tad worse.  I am not sure if it's just a coincidence, but N and her husband are originally from the same northern state as my ex.  I don't like to use the word Yankee, it's somewhat of a crude stereotype and slur like Redneck is to me just because I'm from the south, but perhaps it's a fitting description nonetheless.  N's husband was as cruel as they come, screaming at her, cussing at her, calling her evil names, taking out all his frustrations and inadequacies on her, taking it for granted that he could treat her any way he wanted and knowing that she was going to shut up and take it.  Extremely abusive verbally and mentally, a terrible temper that he freely expressed, running their debt up on selfishness and not caring.  An example of the type of man and husband he is: One day they went to a local deli to pick up sandwiches for the whole family (both sons were visiting), and he waited in the car for her- the deli was very busy, he got tired of waiting on her, and just drove home without letting her know. She came out of the deli with everyone's food to find her husband gone, and she had to call one of her sons to come pick her up. So, her husband was a complete asshole to say the least.

Luckily I didn't have to be around him much- most of our socializing was at work and at lunch.  We did the occasional dinner or weekend brunch out, along with our other friend (the one you CAN openly tell everything to and she will think it's absolutely freakin' hysterical).  But I was around N and her husband enough to see more of their interactions than I cared to, and it made me realize that if I stayed married to W, that would be me for the rest of my life.  I would become N.  At that time, W's verbal abuse was just getting worse, and he had started to put his hands on me in anger- I knew I had to get out, I knew I could not be like N and continue to get my soul crushed by my husband's meanness for all the years to come.

I am not sure if N ever thought about leaving her husband, the other girlfriend and I discussed that repeatedly when N wasn't with us.  N is the type of person who is terrified of change, or taking chances, or even reaching out to others.  She has horrendous self-doubts, more severe than mine ever were and like W did to me, she's let her shithead husband put her down for so many years that she honestly believes she is next to worthless.  That's why, after 14 years with the company, she is still at the same menial clerk job making very little money- she tells me she's too dumb to do anything else when the truth is she's the hardest working and sharpest employee in the office.  And it's why she is still in a loveless marriage to a man who is dragging her down. But all these years later N is approaching 60, and she is now saddled with the extra burden of her karma-stricken husband's failing health and unemployment.  She already lost her chance, she is at that point of no return where leaving her husband now would give the appearance of abandonment, and not liberation.  Her sons, now adults, have started to treat her in a similar fashion as their father always has- crass language, dismissive, impatience blowing up into unexcused rudeness, utter disrespect. And like she does with her husband, N continues to adore them and glibly explains away their behavior while tears form in her eyes and her voice chokes.  I want to tell her, that's probably why they are both in their 30's and not married.  That is the reason you don't have grandchildren yet.  Your sons are turning into jerks and no modern day woman is going to put up with that crap.

In all the years we've been friends, N has always struggled with finding any pride in herself.  As far as she can see, there is nothing positive in her life.  She's unhappy at work, unhappy at home.  Since I moved, our relationship has been relegated to IM's, emails, and weekend phone calls that normally last well over an hour.  Since I've known her N has always been a Debbie Downer- she's so deeply unhappy and negative, she cries at the drop of a hat, she gets upset over the slightest ripple in her ocean.  And when we talk, this is what I listen to for an hour each time.  Never one ounce of delight in her tone, her words, her subject matter.  It's always, woe is me. And I know I of all people should be patient with her, with the realization that like me, she also probably suffers from untreated depression.  But it seems like my job in the relationship has always been to stay upbeat and try to make her smile.  It's very one-sided.  I could never in a million years, talk to her about any marriage issues, because her marriage is at rock bottom.  I couldn't complain about my job because things were always harder at hers.  I couldn't talk about wanting a new car, because hers was even older.  I couldn't find any "safe" subject. Lately I find there is very little I can talk comfortably to her about.  I have to tiptoe around everything I want to say and share with her, normal everyday things most friends would chat about with each other.  It's making our friendship a heavy weight, but I'm not one to turn my back.  At least not yet.

N has never taken vacations- either her husband doesn't want to go anywhere or they don't have the money. It makes me feel guilty gushing over all our exploits on the road, so I rarely share photos or stories with her about our travels, for fear of making her wistful.  And she's not even on Facebook so she sees nothing of my life, and I put everything out there!  Now that I'm not working, I try to play down my growing sense of well-being in life, knowing that her husband is not working and she doesn't have the same luxury as I do as far as leaving her job.  I never never never ever discuss anything related to money, because every time I say we did something or bought something or went somewhere, she would say with a huge stabbing sigh, I wish I could do that too. Never, oh wow that sounds like so much fun, I am happy for you.  If I talk about our house, she talks about how old and outdated hers is and she wants to move.  If I talk about losing weight, she grumbles about how hard she tries but can't seem to lose.  If I show her my pottery, she counters with how untalented she is.  Not only can I not share my happy moments with her, I can't share my down moments with her because she will always say she's fatter, broker, sicker than I am.  So that is why J is my shoulder to lean on when I need it, not my best friend N.

It doesn't matter what subject I try to bring up, she always has something negative about herself or her life to push back at me.  I love her dearly, but I am at a crossroads.  I haven't seen her in about two years and more than likely I will probably never see N again, I just don't have any reason to drive the 300 miles and go back to visit our old hometown and old state.  When we first moved here, J and I went home about once a month for a long time, because we still had our old home on the market.  I always made sure to connect with N.  But I know she will never come to visit me, she's told me before she would be scared to get on the highway and drive that far alone.  I've invited her repeatedly to come stay with me for a few days, take some time off and relax and kick back with me- I'll take her to the city and we'll have girlfriend fun.  As for me, I admit I would never go stay with her, I would be afraid of what I would say or do to that jackass she's married to.  He cussed her out right in front of me plenty of times in the past, as though breaking her down was a spectator sport.  I could not stand to be around him so much that I would never bunk down at N's house for even a weekend visit.  I would probably beat him to death before Saturday night rolled around.

When she called me this weekend, I let it go to voicemail.  Repeatedly.  Once on Saturday, and twice on Sunday.  I was having a very awesome weekend with J, and in a great mood, and when I saw her calls all I could think about was how conversations with her are so painfully agonizing and somewhat unpleasant.  So I didn't call her back.  Monday morning I sent her an email and lied to say I was sorry, my phone had been shut off all weekend and I didn't realize she'd called.  I just decided I didn't want to talk to her, to listen to the distress and hurt in her voice as she talked about how lazy and mean her husband was being, how the boss walked by her desk but did not speak to her while saying hello to the coworker beside her, how she wants to repaint her bathroom but can't afford it and even if she could she's always too tired.  I felt like an awful person for choosing not to return her calls, but I had to step back and say, I am feeling upbeat right now and no matter how much of my bliss I try to share, none of it is ever going to rub off on her. And it made me sad.

It made me sad that I can't openly tell her about my life because my joy makes her even sadder.

MISS GEE

(Okay here is my chosen totally unrelated photo, the new beads I just unloaded from my kiln moments ago- getting them listed on Etsy today- to celebrate all the things that are good in my world since I took my leap of faith and started my new life with J.)

11.25 - By Unknown 0

One Is Not A Lonely Number

I am trying to be happy today, because the vacation countdown is officially less than a month now.  All the arrangements have been made, and J has tasked me with getting online and finding fun things to do while we are there.  From the photo above you'd never guess our big splurge vacation this year is to Canada!  I don't much care where we go these days, I just look forward to the uninterrupted time I spend with my husband.  I don't get that at home.  I can kiss weeknights off, because J gets home in time to eat dinner, pay bills online, and fall asleep on the couch.  Weekends we spend together, but it's most always taking care of household errands- the garden center for mulch, running the vehicles through the car wash, looking at new down spouts for the gutters, going from store to store to price BBQ smokers.  That sort of stuff.  

And although I'm "with" him, I definitely don't have his undivided attention.  His mind is usually concentrating on things like how many bags of fertilizer he'll need to cover the yard or looking out for who has the cheapest gas.  Not to say that we don't ever do anything fun on the weekends.  We love flea markets and antique stores and auctions, we go to odd but interesting places like railroad museums or wild bird sanctuaries or civil rights monuments.  Things others would find weird or unworthy of their precious Saturday afternoon, I'm sure.  And things I wouldn't do alone.  But with J, even something like a behind the scenes tour of a local TV news studio turns out to be more enjoyable than I could have ever expected.  We prefer to steer clear of the chain restaurants and seek out local eateries on back roads or side alleys.  We like quirky.  Together.  And it's always an adventure for us, no matter what we're doing or where we're at.

Now that I'm staying home all day, J worries about me not having a social life.  I, however, do not worry about this.  Going to work every day at a job I hated, around people I barely tolerated for years, is not a social life anyhow, so what exactly did I "lose" there??  The only socializing I did at work, was going out to lunch once or twice a week with J.  Most of the hobbies I have, are best left as solo ventures.  Writing, reading, pottery, painting, gardening.  Sure, I could go to one of the local "art party" places and pay money to sit in a room with other people I don't know and paint a landscape.  But why would I, when I have my own comfortable space here, all my own supplies, and the peace and quiet I prefer.  And I don't drink alcohol at all, so anything revolving around wine or cocktails holds zero interest for me.  I find that a lot of those "social" situations like painting parties or girls' night bunco tournaments, are not so much about being around people- it's more about getting away from the other people you already spend day in and day out with.  For me that's J, and rarely do I ever want to be away from him, and I wouldn't exchange an evening with him for all the free hors d'oeuvres in the world.

If I want to go to the nursery and look at flowers, if I want to stroll at the farmers market, if I want to go have a fresh salad and bread at the bakery- I don't need company and I am perfectly content to do these things by myself.  I know people who would rather die than go out to eat at a restaurant alone.  Seriously?  I don't understand why.  Embarrassment at being seen alone?  Just being uncomfortable with your own company in a public environment?  I know people who wouldn't even go to a gym alone, they have to have someone else on the equipment beside them to talk to.

Before we moved here, I did have a few very good and close girlfriends.  Even so, we only got together occasionally for dinner or Saturday morning coffee.  Just to sit and chit chat.  I like that, I like sitting and talking with someone without distractions or commotion.  But activities?  Not so much.  Once not long ago, I tried spending the afternoon out shopping with a friend, and I wasn't too into it.  With J it's different, we can look at something and say, wow wouldn't this look great in the living room, should we get it?  With someone who is just an acquaintance, activities together just don't hit all the right buttons like it does with J.  J has talked about taking family vacations, as in, a cruise with our parents.  Never!  Even when I spend the holidays in a cabin with family, I am ready to escape by day three.  He somehow thinks a cruise would be more enjoyable for me, if I had my mom there- really?  My favorite thing to do on a cruise is sit on the balcony and read- how does having my parents there enhance that situation?  So, I've more than once put the kibosh on a family vacation.

I do like dinner out with another couple once every so often, and I don't mind if J invites his best buddy to meet us for lunch in the city, again just occasionally. I do not want other people around us every single time we walk out the door.  And I don't need other people around me all the time.  There is a huge difference in being alone and being lonely.  I am alone all day long now, and I am fine with it, and it's been wonderful.  But at work, surrounded by people for 12 hours a day, I was incredibly lonely because it was the type of place where everyone kept their heads down and stayed inside their little cubicles, and people rarely spoke to one another.  That was the essence of loneliness, and day after day, year after year of it.  But although I like being alone during the day now, I'm sure I would not want it for the next ten years, and when I'm tired of being home by myself I will know it's time to go get another job.  But, not because I'm "lonely" at home.

I know people who have a social calendar that is filled, and I'm thinking about my sister here.  Dinner parties and cook outs and kids' play dates and family gatherings and business luncheons and community organizations.  Always with someone, never a moment alone.  Always on the phone, always texting.  These are the people who say they never have a minute to themselves, they never get to do what they want to do, they never have a second of peace.  They pay lots of money to go to the spa just to sit for an hour or two in a quiet atmosphere, alone, to do something "nice" for themselves.  Sometimes people choose the chaos in their lives.  They say yes to another BBQ at a neighbor's house on Saturday, when what they really want to do is sit by their own pool and read a magazine alone.  Every year for Mother's Day, my sister's gift from her husband is- he gets up early and takes the kids off for the entire entire day, so my sister can be alone.  That is what she wants, the gift of being alone for awhile.  And maybe this is all easy for me to say because I don't have children.

I don't think I'm weird or antisocial for preferring to be by myself during the day!  Am I??

MISS GEE

09.09 - By Unknown 0