Smiling This Week

Today I have to write a happy post.  I have to get out of that hole of negativity.  I've been feeling better the last few days, and I want to keep on riding that roller coaster up to the peak!

I know I vowed at the beginning of the year to have more positive energy and try to be more upbeat.  To blog more often, but "less" each time.  This week has been pretty decent, it's been super cold but sunny.  I can deal with that.  J and I have been having good talks lately, I think because he is so very down about his job right now.  It seems that when he hates his job the most, is the time he focuses more on his real life.  He's extremely gung-ho right now about paying off the debt we have scattered about here and there.  Not much compared to some, but enough that we need to tackle it now.  Our house will be paid off in three years, his new truck this summer.  He is getting ready to make the final payment on a small 401K loan we had to take out a few years back.  He said just paying off that loan will bring home an extra $500 a month on his paycheck.  Woo-Hoo!  But right now he's in a saving mode, not a spending mode.  I'm okay with that! I would say our debt is average, and although we are no longer bringing in a second income, it's amazing how much our expenses have been cut back just by me staying at home.  Gas, food out, dressy clothes.  I drive my car so infrequently now, I probably only fill up every other month, instead of every week.

Last night as we were huddled in our warm living room watching TV, J reflected on the past 10+ years saying he didn't know where he would be if he hadn't met me.  He joked he'd be face down in the gutter somewhere- when I met him he smoked two packs a day and drank heavily every night.  He quit the cigarettes cold turkey about 7-8 years ago, and only has the rare occasional drink these days- to relax and enjoy, not to become numb and forget.  Back when I started seeing him in 2003 he spent all his free time in bars- he ate all his meals there, found all his entertainment there (video games, pool, darts), and if he wasn't at work or asleep at home, he was in his favorite neighborhood grub pub with a large pizza and Jack and Coke.

And J's lost about 50-60 pounds since we first met.  I would like to think it all has to do with me- what wife doesn't want that ego booster?- but I think it's also just a sign of maturity.  Moving from your thirties into your forties, and then staring down fifty.  He went from having his car keys taken away at the pool hall on Friday nights, to taking his blood sugar readings every morning.  Age or my influence, I'm not sure, but whatever the reason I'm glad for the changes.  And I hope it means he'll be around with me for a very long time to come.  I have a friend with a husband who said he would rather eat a pack of cookies and just take his insulin shots, and nothing she can say or do will change him.  I'm delighted that I have a husband who is more than willing and eager to take control of his own health, without my nagging.  Then again, I wonder about where I would be if I hadn't met J.  He rescued me from my abusive first marriage and offered me a safe and comfortable future, and I don't think I would ever have had the courage to leave my ex if it wasn't for J.

Maybe I'm in a better mood because this weekend we leave for a vacation.  Our life together has always centered around travel, and even though this year we plan to take less expensive trips, we do need our vacations to stay sane.  We are headed to my hometown- we usually go once a year and for some reason we didn't make it down there in 2013.  We're going to take the first three days on the road to meander somewhat, and be alone, before we go rolling into my parents' driveway.  I have mentioned before, my hometown is actually a sunny gulf beach, so it's not like we're headed off to a prison camp.  But once we get to my parents house, it's difficult for J and I to find quiet alone time- they want to go everywhere and do everything with us and of course, we feel obligated because we technically are there to see them.  I know, you're saying, you don't have children, all you have is alone time every day!  It's not the same.

It's not the same at home when you're clearing away dinner dishes or trimming hedges or sorting through boxes in the basement.  Yes, it's just me and J, but the cobwebs and dust in the garage won't ever compare to soft white sand between your toes.  I have trouble believing those commercials on TV where the couples are out there in the yard pulling weeds or painting the mailbox, then suddenly look over at each other, stinky and sweaty, and think, wow this is romantic let's have sex.  Does that really happen?  Maybe it's just us, or me.  But even though we will be spending the second half of our trip at my parents' house, sleeping in my sister's old bedroom (my bedroom was turned into a playroom for the grandsons), it's enough to let J unwind and catch his breath.

And yeah, I do have those moments where I think, nothing is better than watching the waves come rolling towards you at the end of the day.

MISS GEE

09.04 - By Unknown 0

Happiness Scale

So I would give it a 6 right about now, maybe a weak 7...

It's a 7 right now because we leave for vacation on Saturday, so as always I'm full of anticipation and excitement.  But at these times, I'm also always filled with anxiety- did I pack everything, will the house burn down while we're gone, did the hotel lose our reservations, if it doesn't rain all week will my flowers die, will the kitties be okay (even though we have a lovely British lady who comes to check on them).  I can't shut off that worrywart side of me.

But this is a quarterly report for myself.  As in, it's been about 3 months now since I started staying at home full time.  I do miss my $50,000 annual paycheck, but I do not miss everything I went through to earn it.  We've adjusted our lifestyle to compensate for the loss of income, and so far, we're doing okay. Although in the last three months, I've been piling up the medical bills.  $800 yesterday at the dentist for a broken tooth, and that's added to the hospital bills from April we are still getting.  Not to mention all the new prescription medications.  And I've been to a few different doctors since the hospital, at least once a week it seems.  Tomorrow I go for yet more blood tests- I feel as though those will never end.  I have three appointments in one week scheduled already for the start of August. And I know that once I get back from vacation, I can no longer put off having surgery on my wrist, so I think 2013 will finish off with even more medical bills.  It sucks folks.  Even though we have insurance- which we pay dearly for- our out of pocket expenses are crazy too.  Thankfully J so far has been extremely healthy- since he and I have been together, I have lost track of all my medical situations.  Perhaps it's just that I'm in my 40's and things are starting to break down, I don't know!

My health issues keep my happiness level down.  I think I could be a 8 or 9 if all the aches and pains were gone.  I still have things I physically can't do around the house, things that a normal person takes for granted. But it's getting better.  I hope that once I have my wrist surgery, the healing process will be quick and that this will be the last thing I have go wrong.  I had shoulder surgery in early 2011 and that took almost these past two years to recover from, and just when I started feeling better and normal again, the issue came up with my right wrist (DeQuervain's if you care to read up on it).  Before my shoulder issue it was my lower back, and I spent at least 3 years in and out of different doctors' offices and pain clinics with that.  I know J probably must feel like he bought a lemon, only he can't trade me in for a newer version.

Before I stopped working, my happiness level was barely a 1.  Maybe on the weekends it would be a 4, because though I spent my weekends with J, we were working our butts off trying to catch up on house and yard work, and the dreaded Monday morning always hung over me.  I would try to relax on Friday evenings, but even if we were downtown on the square eating pizza, I was sitting there fretting over what I had to do on Monday morning.  The job devoured me, so my happiness- when I did manage to feel it- was a fleeting morsel at best.  One I barely got to taste before the bitterness of a new workweek settled in.

But I said it's a 6 or 7 now, so I know life is slowly getting better for me.  And for J too, I hope.  Since April, I've lost almost 25 pounds which has helped my mood and my energy.  J has lost quite a bit of weight too, because we no longer leave work together at 7:30 at night and stop at Zaxby's or Dairy Queen or Taco Bell for dinner.  J can come directly home and I have a healthy dinner waiting- baked chicken and roasted veggies and a salad.  I know his happiness level has gone up because of that.  After dinner he has the time now to go outside and shoot basketball, or go down to the basement and play tennis on the Wii.  Before, when we were both working and would stop for dinner, sometimes 3-4 times a week, it would be after 9pm when we got home.  We slumped on the couch then fell into bed.  No home life at all during the week.  J said having me home to cook dinner, has been so wonderful for him, and he enjoys it.  Not to mention, it saves money as well.

I feel better too, now that I've gotten my pottery listed on Etsy- and made sales already!  It's encouraged me to continue to work on my art, which has started to make me feel as though I have a purpose again.  Okay, I'm not going to get rich at $5 or $10 a crack, and that's not my goal anyhow.  Yes, I've seen people on Etsy making similar items to mine, with 4,000+ sales.  Maybe that will be me one day, who knows, and it's okay if that isn't my destiny.  My Etsy shop has definitely helped me get to a 6 on the happiness scale.  The more I work on my pottery, the better I am feeling.  It's been what I've wanted to do for so long now, and to finally be there, makes me enjoy hopping out of bed in the mornings to "go to work" as it were.  Even today, when I am so very busy packing and getting the house cleaned before we leave, I know I will be upstairs shortly cranking out more of my handmade jewelry pieces.

All in all, things are better for me on most days.  I find I have highs and lows.  Although my energy and my moods are improving, it seems that it's every other day right now.  I have days where I am super productive and scurry about like a worker ant for the entire 12-13 hours that J is at work.  The next day I feel so tired, if all I do is a load of laundry, it's a great accomplishment.  J says I try to do too much on my "up" days.  Too much for me that is.  For most women, the amount of housework or exercise I do on one of my good days, would look like a vacation day for them.  Seeing as I don't have children to keep up with, I suppose my daily to-do list will always be abbreviated compared to a mom.  But I am okay with that, too.

When I left my job, the mantra that J kept repeating was, "It will be good for our relationship."  And he is right.  As my happiness level increases, I can see how much better he's been feeling as well.  I never knew how much my dark moods brought him down, and he would never put voice to it.  But I can definitely tell how my happier moods lighten his burdens of "taking care" of my mental and emotional health.  When I was sad, J was always sad along with me, and some days I think he made himself crazy trying to lift my spirits and shake me out of my blue spells.  Now I'm doing a much better job of lifting myself up, and freeing him to concentrate his love and energy on other parts of our marriage and home life.  And that in turn makes me even happier!

MISS GEE

(My "art studio"- aka the bonus room upstairs...)

07.59 - By Unknown 0