More Of The Same

J left for work at 6:30 this morning, and won't be home until 9pm.  He has a big shot from corporate trailing him all day long, doing an audit, one that will continue tomorrow.  Actually, this is a "pre"-audit audit, to gauge how prepared his department is for the actual big week long audit at the end of the month. The audit is to get some kind of new certification, and although it's an internal audit, it's still the weight of the world on his shoulders right now.  J says he isn't ready, but I also know how self-deprecating he is when it comes to important projects at work that he has to head up.  Still, I heard him throwing up not long before he left.  I asked him if he was sick, he said no.  I think he's just like the kid who gets the tummy ache because he doesn't want to go to school.  J's been with the company for 16 years now, so it's not like he's expecting an ambush or bad news.  He just hates it that much.  I can't convince him to go work somewhere else, or even think about it.  He gets unsolicited calls from headhunters all the time, but he never returns them or even considers it.  People at the company who have been there longer, are heading for the front door in droves to go work elsewhere.  I don't know if it's J's loyalty that keeps him there, or it's just he's comfortable bunking with the devil he knows.  In 30 years this is only the second company he's ever worked for since he was out of high school.  I'm not sure he would know what do to with himself at a new job.  I don't think he wants to work for a new company, he just wants a new location.  This weekend he remarked how it was almost a year ago that his dreams were crushed when he didn't get his promotion.  Honestly, he's just never been the same since then.

As much as I loathe it, I am dedicating myself to housework this week.  No pottery, no reading.  Just a quick blog post this morning while I finish my coffee.  I had one of those moments last week.  During a phone conversation with my girlfriend back home, she told me she was going to use two of her vacation days this week to clean her house.  I realized with shame that every day right now presents me with that same opportunity and I ignore it.  I surface clean- just enough to wipe away the crumbs and vacuum up the cat hair- and our family deserves so much more.  Yesterday I started on one side of the house, and managed to get three rooms done and damn if it didn't take all day.  Everything.  Scrubbing baseboards, cleaning windows and ceiling fans, dusting every little knickknack, washing out garbage cans.  I even took each light bulb down and washed away all the crud that somehow gathers on the surface.  Who knew?  I cleaned areas that I wager I haven't touched since we moved in here.  I cleaned things that no one else but me will ever see or even notice, but that's not the point.  I wasn't looking for J to come home and say oh wow honey, you cleaned behind the toilet, that was so thoughtful of you!  So as soon as I finish this post, I will be giving the same top to bottom treatment here in the office.  Somehow I will clean around J's paperwork- it looks like a big mess to me but I'm sure he has it organized in a way that makes sense to him!  And no, my kitty isn't comatose, he just likes to keep me company when I'm typing away.

I am feeling better this week, my depression doesn't seem as severe.  Last week, I'm not sure what was wrong with me, nothing was really going on that would put me so down in the dumps.  But I was.  I even skipped my weekly support group meeting on Friday, and got an email from my leader saying they all missed me and hoped to see me this week.  I didn't tell J that I had skipped it, he would fuss at me with concern.  I have more blood tests this week, and two doctor's appointments next week.  My one doctor said, if my blood work looks better, she'll let me go three months before I have to come back, instead of monthly lab work.  That would be lovely.   Between the hospital stay for my liver, all the ongoing lab work, my broken tooth, and the hand surgery- all of them unrelated to one another- I've been poked with more needles since April than I ever have been in my entire life. Thankfully we have decent health insurance, we've needed it this year.  Who knows what the future holds though?  I am trying to stay blissfully ignorant of all the current political hubbub, and I couldn't tell you the first detail about Obamacare.  Oh, I read about it and watch the news, but depending on the slant of the paper or channel, I couldn't tell you if any of it's truth or party-related opinion.  Our household is divided- J and I are of opposite political parties and we coexist happily with no conflicts when it comes to that subject matter. We joke and say we just cancel out each other's vote at the polls anyhow.

The weather has been helpful this week too.  We had a big rain come through on Sunday afternoon and evening, and the temps dropped.  I am grateful for it. The trees haven't started to turn yet down here, but I am seeing hints of pale yellows and a blush of light red here and there.  Pumpkins are appearing on doorsteps all over the neighborhood.  The crows descend on our yard every day, and my cats sit patiently in the windows to watch their noisy antics.  Yesterday I was able to open the windows in the morning and leave them open the entire day, for the first time this season.  Normally I have to close them up in the afternoon and turn the AC back on.  I've been getting out the autumn decorations but more than likely no one will enjoy them but me.  My parents were supposed to come for a visit next week, but my father hurt his back and doubts he will be up for traveling by then.

J and I had "the talk" this weekend.  No, not the one you had with your parents when you were turning thirteen.  The money talk.  An update on how we're doing since I stopped working five months ago.  It wasn't a bad talk, and certainly not an argument.  There are a lot of places we started saving money the instant I quit my job, as in the gas it took to fill up my SUV for the 1,000 miles a month I commuted to the office.  Now I barely drive 20 miles a week going into town for errands.  But on the downside, I no longer put 25% of my paycheck into a 401K with matching contributions from my company.  Bummer.  J just said, we need to do a better job of cutting back expenses and sticking to a budget.  Uhm, what budget?  Yes, that's the problem, we haven't really set up one yet. And he did mean we.  And the biggest hunk of our expense pie that needs to be trimmed, is our traveling.  The actual cost of our travel is hard to figure out. We fly for free and stay at hotels for free, all because of points earned on credit cards and gambling at casinos.  We are platinum for the airline, platinum for the hotel, diamond for the casino, VIP for the cruise line.  Points and points amass.  We've flown to the West Coast for free, we've flown first class for free, we get free upgrades to suites at pricey hotels and on ships, we go to the head of the line at the casino restaurants and eat for free.  But guess what you have to do to earn all these freebies and points?  Spend!!!  So how free is it??  Exactly.  J said it's been a nice ride, but it's got to stop after this year, and he swore it has nothing to do with me not working right now.  He said we can still travel, but not at the expense of trying to keep up our "status" levels.  Since I don't gamble, if we never went to another casino ever again, I am great with that.

J and I went to a big arts and craft fair over the weekend, and it made me realize I am nowhere near being ready for that step with my pottery and painting.  I will continue to concentrate on my online business instead, and that's okay.  There isn't anything wrong with dreaming or making plans, but being realistic is also nothing to be ashamed of.  I know it's just a hobby, and just because I have business cards printed out with my "business" name on it, I don't see myself working the southeast craft fair circuit full time.  I talked to people on Sunday who do nothing but travel to shows every weekend, no matter where they are located.  I thought about just the expense of the travel, the cost of the booth space.  I would never recoup that with my small items.  I make and sell "supplies" to other folks, and most people who come to those fall festivals are looking for the finished product that they can immediately display or wear when they leave with it.

At this point, I don't expect any big changes for either of us for the rest of the year.  We'll go on our planned vacation in November, we'll see family and friends over the holidays.  We'll both celebrate turning 47 in the upcoming weeks.  J will continue with his long days at work.  I plan to keep plugging away at my art- and do better with the housekeeping. We'll go find fun local outings to attend on the weekends.  So unless something dramatic happens that I need to report, you can assume life goes on here as it always does.  It's time for me to get this blog back to where I originally intended for it to go- deep in my head to work out the many longstanding and unresolved issues that I continue to dwell on, the ones that continue to shape my daily thoughts and decisions.

MISS GEE

06.53 - By Unknown 0

Can't Stop Falling

This is almost my favorite time of the year.  At least it's getting close.  And I am ready for summer to be over with.  I am not a summertime person, and I never have been.  Even growing up on the sandy gulf beaches, I hated summer.  I'm not prissy by any means, but I hate to sweat, I hate bugs, I hate the heat.  I hate summer.  In the summer I rarely want to go anywhere or do anything, if it means going outside.  I know, I have my yard and my flowers, but once I get all of that going in the spring I usually enjoy the views from inside the house.  In the summer, I am lazier than any other time of the year.  I have a tendency to move less and I don't wander too far from the nearest ceiling fan or AC vent.  Every year when summer arrives, I am ready for it to fly by and be gone.  I have heard of SAD- Seasonal Affective Disorder- and I know I suffer from it. Most people get it in the winter- being cooped up inside, growing plumper, shorter periods of daylight.  I get it every summer, and have for almost my entire life.  I've always chalked it up to my aversion to heat, or perhaps I have an aversion to hot weather because I have SAD.  Not sure which is the chicken and which is the egg.  

We had a mild summer this year, for the Deep South.  Very few days that reached the 90 degree mark.  Right now the mornings are cool enough to open up the windows, but just briefly before the humidity creeps in.  It's just a tease.  For me, any day above 60 is too hot!  Yes, I should live in North Dakota or Maine, you are right.  In fact I'm ssssoooooo ready for summer to be over, I've already started bringing up my autumn decorations from the basement and placing them around the house.  J came home last night and said, why is there a giant pumpkin sitting on the hearth?  Right now he's consumed with baseball and golf- sports of summer- and I'm already thinking about what I want to bake for the holidays.  I'm much more active in the colder months, as far as exercise goes, I want to go hike or walk in the neighborhood.  Normally my depression lifts in the winter as well.  I lose more weight, socialize with friends more, and I just feel better about my life and myself when the thermometer drops. Go figure.  At the same time, my spirit is much more calm and content in the winter.  Nothing says settle down and relax for awhile like a good book, a fire, and a cup of cocoa.  Seriously.

But another problem I have in the fall and winter, is restlessness.  Not truly "cabin fever", as in I'm stuck in the house and can't get out.  We get one nice little snowfall here every winter, and that's it.  I get restless because I love the cool weather, the trees turning, the local fall festivals, the holidays.  I want to do and see and take it all in, and I know I can't.  On any given Saturday in the fall, there are 3 or 4 festivals or fairs nearby, and I feel like I want to get to every single one.  This Saturday I'm taking in two, and I'm already mapping out where to go next Saturday.  My restlessness also causes me great frustrations too, and I do get that caged animal sensation, like I just have to go do something.  Most of the time, it's just wanting to be outside in the crisp air and looking up at the immaculate blue sky.  Unlike summer, when I want to blink my eyes and make it go away, I want autumn and winter to get here soon and hang around.  J will walk around a street fair with me, but he doesn't really care about them- he goes because he knows as an artist at heart, I love getting out there to see what other folks are making and thinking up.  I don't rip off people's ideas, but I do get inspired to go back home and create my own art.  And I buy a lot at festivals, too.  :)

My depression has been horrible lately, and the last few weeks I have really been struggling.  Stumbling and Aimless.  I feel as though as soon as I make strides in the right direction, I have a month or so when I slide backwards and can't seem to dig my claws in there to make the descent stop, or at least slow it down a bit.  I land back at the bottom with a thud.  It takes me awhile to pick myself up and start to climb out of that pit again.  Most of the time I've convinced myself that I will never reach the top, no matter how hard I fight or how long I keep fighting.  Hell, I'm nearing 50 and I haven't made it yet, so what makes me think I ever can?  I have a pessimistic nature, and I'm sure that goes hand in hand with depression.  I want to shake it off, and anyone with truly deep depression knows that it's not that easy.  I go to bed every night making a mental list of the things I want to accomplish the next day, and in the reality of that tomorrow I might get one or two checked off.  J told me I make it hard on myself by being too ambitious.  Some days I understand he's right.  Some days I worry he really means, I can't keep up with the normal people so don't even have the hope of trying.  I've never been like this at work, I've just always been this way when it comes to "me".  I've always been the superstar employee at every office, but a total slug outside the walls of my employers.  I don't know why that drive, dedication, energy and pursuit of perfection, does not carry over into my personal life.  It's all "me", so why do I seem to have a split personality?

I've told myself repeatedly over the last week, that as soon as my wrist completely heals, things will be better once the pain subsides.  But since 2006, there has been some piece of my body at all times, that is in chronic pain and has required surgery.  As soon as that area gets better, something else on me breaks down.  I feel as though J has not known me to be in any state other than pain.  Sure I was already beginning to struggle with depression and loads of self-esteem issues when we started dating in 2003.  The years we dated before we married, he only saw me on weekends, and I think the euphoria of being in love carried me along whenever I was with him.  During the week, when I was at home alone, the depression, the general aches and pains, the feelings of doubt consumed me.  But come Friday nights and until I left his company on Sunday evenings, I wore my happiest face for him.  And I wasn't faking, it was real overwhelming joy to be at his side.  Once we were married, I couldn't keep that up 24/7 anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I still feel that sappy love for J, that will never change.  I just have a harder time pushing through the rest of the crap.  I can't smile all the time anymore.  And I apologize to him constantly because of it, which I know annoys him but I feel compelled to do it nonetheless.  It's just been hard these past few weeks, watching him have to come home and do some of the housework, because I was in too much pain to do it.  He tells me, that's what he's here for.  I'm like, to load the dishwasher?  He's often talked about getting someone to come in once or twice a week to do the cleaning, but as sweet as his offer is meant to be, it just makes me feel worse about myself.  As in, I can't keep my own friggin' home clean, how pathetic am I?  Sometimes I feel like J's needy kid, not his wife.  And dammit, I'm older than him!

I am hoping to soon put this summer behind me.  The latest pain that's plagued me since January, and the recovery from the surgery.  The way I am still questioning whether or not I should have quit my job in April (and by the way I just found out my replacement already quit, she hated my boss too).  My floundering about without any sense of direction for my daily existence.  It's very unbecoming, to be my age and at this stage of my life, without knowing what I want to do or where I want to go- and end up.  I want to get over the loneliness and anxieties that all the big changes this year have brought into my world.  I am trying to go against my nature and instead be optimistic.  2013 is winding down.  2014 has just got to be better.  I have just got to be better.

Oh man I'm ready for the next snowstorm.  Bring it on.

MISS GEE

05.28 - By Unknown 0

Doing What You Do

Today has been a "good" day, so I thought I would blog while I was in a rare positive mood.  The day started off with an 8AM mammogram, which I had been putting off for over two years because I was too busy.  Yes, that's a crappy excuse.  It took ten minutes.  I've been getting mammograms since I was 35, because my mom is a breast cancer survivor and of course I worry about my likelihood of getting it as well.  Mammograms do not hurt, I don't care what anyone says, so please don't let that scare you away from them if you are at that age.  Two seconds of discomfort, in exchange for peace of mind, is a small price to pay.

As soon as I got home, I unloaded my kiln which was full of all the jewelry pieces I've been making over the last two weeks.  Just in the bisque stage now, but I think glazing is always the most fun part anyhow.  I am anxious to see how everything will turn out, especially the buttons and beads.  I've seen so many great handmade ceramic buttons selling on Etsy.  I had been thinking about making buttons and beads for a long time, so when I saw lots of them on Etsy, I was very encouraged to know there is a market out there for them.  I don't sew, just a little cross-stitch here and there, but I know a one of a kind handmade button should appeal to someone out there for their projects.  And with my very very small kiln, that is what I'm going to concentrate on for the time being.  I will still make my tiles and small dishes, but the buttons and beads have been so much fun.

I spent the remainder of the morning working in the yard, and that is a huge effort for me.  I planted eight perennials in our newest flower beds- they've been sitting around in pots and since it's rained the last few days and the ground was super soft, I took advantage of this cloudy morning to get digging. It's a bit of a strain for me, since I have to wear my wrist brace whenever I work in the garden.  Even so, I would have to come inside and rest after every other plant.  I was planning on scheduling my wrist surgery soon, but the other day my doctor revealed the outcome of my latest round of blood tests from last week, and some of the numbers were not good at all.  She recommended postponing the surgery until I can get some of these numbers to come down.  She said surgery at this time- even a minor one- would be too great of a risk.  So alas, I will have to deal with the debilitating pain in my right hand for awhile longer.  Most days I can down a few Motrin and keep going with the brace on.  Some days, that's not enough, and the pain stops me in my tracks.

I am finding that I still struggle with grading myself and my moods, on what I did or didn't "DO" on any given day.  It's ridiculous and I want very much to stop this behavior, because it's digging away at me, and at how I feel about myself and my overall life.  Or rather, this newest phase of my life.  Today I label this a good day, because I was productive and had somewhat good energy, because I finally planted the flowers that have been sitting around outside for a few weeks now, because I filled a box with fired pottery as solid proof that I am indeed working on it, because I've already marinated the meat for dinner and chopped up all the veggies I will roast in the oven tonight.  All because I wanted to.

Yesterday was an unhappy day.  Although I did all my housework- wiped down bathrooms, washed all the clothes, cleaned all the cat litter boxes, vacuumed the entire house, took out all the garbage- I did it all very slowly and with little energy.  It took me the whole day just to do those few things.  I judge myself cruelly because it would have taken a normal woman 2-3 hours to accomplish all of that, and then she would have moved on to something else more important or enjoyable.  My "enjoyment" never came yesterday.  I was tired, achy, and down, and I never had the time or stamina to do anything but the housework. True, I took many many breaks during the day, where I barely had the energy to read a magazine.  But it was one of those days where I could not keep going for more than 15-20 minute stretches before I was in pain and somewhat exhausted.

Monday, to me, my day was completely miserable and I spent the day hating myself and hating my life.  All because I woke up not feeling well.  I didn't even get up with J to see him off to work, I physically couldn't push myself to do it.  I slept late, then just stayed in bed watching TV until late in the day, when it was with tremendous effort that I simply got up to shower and get ready to make dinner.  I don't have many days that are that bad, but I don't even cut myself any slack when I do.  I still feel like I have this timetable hanging over my head, where I must achieve goals or produce work in order to justify my staying at home full time.  Of course that's ridiculous, and no one has those expectations but me.

I don't know why I can't simply tell myself, stop for a minute.  Today I am going to sit in my favorite chair and finish the paperback I've been reading, and that evening I will say wow, I had a wonderful relaxing positive good day today.  Even if reading was the only thing I did for the entire day.  Who do I have to answer to for that?  No one.  No one is going to say, you are fired!  You suck as a human being because you decided to read instead of scrub all the baseboards today. Why can't I be okay with a day here and there where I don't accomplish anything that is task-oriented.  The only thing J stipulated in our agreement for me to quit my job, was that I work on improving my health, and by that he meant not only physical but mental and emotional as well.  I do not have to be physically on my feet and moving every minute from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed, I do not work for a corporation anymore.

I know I am going to have low days, where my medication makes me feel sick, or my pain slows my movements down to a crawl, where I have a crippling migraine and I can't function, and I know my moods may not always be spectacularly happy.  But I don't want to continue to criticize myself so damn harshly on those days, when I don't do a lot.  I don't want to tell J at the dinner table those nights, I had a bad day.  I did not have a "bad" day!

MISS GEE

11.30 - By Unknown 0

General Hospital

Well I can say now that I have made progress lately.  Lots of steps backwards, but one giant leap forward into the unknown but exciting future.

Last week I ended up in the ER where I was admitted, imprisoned and tortured with needles, machines and jello for three days.  While an immobile hostage on the second day, J announced this was the final wake up call.  I was quitting my job.  He'd spent time crunching the numbers and assured me, we could take the financial loss of my salary and still be fine.  We'd have to take cuts- no spontaneous $100 dinners out on a weeknight just because we can- but it would be okay. And when J says it will be okay, I believe him.  I do have some health issues that will need tending to, but I am on medication and have planned visits to specialists to monitor my blood work and numbers.

Both J and my father have asked me to quit my job for over a year now, and I have resisted because of the money.  I doubt the ER visit is related to work, although when I arrived my blood pressure was so high, the doctors said it was at stroke levels.  I think that concerned J more than the actual issues that brought me there.  If I'm dead I can't enjoy that paycheck anyhow, and then who will inherit my Dooney collection?  I try to make light of it, but the fact is, I have felt like shit for quite some time now. Extreme fatigue, headaches almost every day, breathing problems, insomnia, dizzy spells, frequent nose bleeds. I've chalked it all up to stress on the job, and the super long hours, and I told myself this is the American way.  Everyone works themselves to death.  So even though it scared me, I did the right thing for my health- I turned in my notice. As much as I want to screw over the witch I work for, I don't want to screw the company because it's been good to J and I for so very long now.  I gave a 3 weeks notice, and said I was leaving due to health issues. I plan to take at least one day off a week as I have paid sick time to use, and I'm doing that today.  They begged me to take a leave of absence instead, but it's pointless because no matter how long I take off, I will come back to the same job, the same hours, the same stress all over again.

People at work this week have been giving me weird looks.  If I could come in and work 10 hours on Monday and Tuesday, why do I have to quit because of my health?  Some have told me how bad their health and pains are, and how high their blood pressure is, etc., and I can't decide if they are trying to compete with me or let me know they are toughing it out.  A few have given me hugs and said I am doing the right thing.  Then there are the ones that I know are jealous, and I won't apologize that I am a middle-age childless woman whose husband makes six figures.  I know a few of the ladies there have husbands in poor health who can't work, so the burden falls on them to pay the bills and take care of the entire family.  I don't know what the future holds for J, but right now he's young and relatively healthy and has a job that pays well.  And he reminded me to ignore everyone else at work, what they say, what they think, how they act. It doesn't matter, and it has nothing to do with me.

I am not saying my working days are over, just over at this company.  On the contrary I would like to find a part time job for now, where I don't have to commute for 40 minutes one way, where I won't have to crawl in half-asleep at 6:30am and still be struggling to leave at 6:30pm.  And eventually I would want to go back to work full time, because it's just my nature and other than spots here and there over the years, I've always worked full time.  I enjoy it.  I like challenging my mind, and my current job certainly did that.  I will miss the work itself, but I will not miss the stressful atmosphere and I will not miss the company politics (read: bullshit), and I will not miss my lazy drama queen supervisor.  Frankly, I won't miss 99% of my co-workers either.  If I could pick up my work and bring it home every day, I could have worked there the next 20 years easily, with no complaints.

J is content with me staying home forever I think.  And if things go well, and I can get motivated, that might be a possibility.  Now I will have time to work on my pottery and get my Etsy store going again, or even find one of the little shops downtown who might be willing to carry my pieces.  I will have time to exercise every day, more than just 15 minutes on the treadmill at 8pm before I collapse.  I will have time to prepare and eat "real" food, instead of stuffing a lunch bag with a Lean Cuisine, Slimfast, Fiber One Bar, and a Coke Zero before I run out the door every morning, then coming home at night to feed my husband something I dumped out of a box or bag.  Now I will have time to actually clean my house instead of stepping over and ignoring the mess.

J is very adamant that I do these things, he said he would be unhappy if I sat around every day and just read, not moving, not accomplishing anything.  He absolutely doesn't want me to get into the daytime TV trap, and that garbage doesn't even tempt me at all.  He insists that I get out of the house every day- art classes, the gym, Weight Watchers meetings, walks in the park- things I gave up when we moved here.  I can also now take over some of my husband's chores around the house, to give him more free time in the evenings as well, because he absolutely deserves that.  I am very encouraged to see that, since bringing me home from the hospital, he has been exercising every night.  He has his own issues- high cholesterol and blood sugar, his weight.  Maybe he hasn't landed in the ER with them yet, but he knows it's time to stop fooling around and taking chances, and start addressing them all.

My husband's greatest fear is that by staying at home, I will fall into deep depression the way I did when we moved here in 2009 and I wasn't working for several months.  But I wasn't doing anything at all then, and I had just left behind all my friends and my dream house, and was now sitting alone and dwelling on fears of a new town and sudden isolation.  Now I have my garden that needs tending, I have my kiln that hasn't been fired lately, I have my incredible room that J created for me- amazing enough that I can call it an art studio and really mean it. And I can get around town with my eyes closed- it doesn't scare or overwhelm me anymore.  I have a lot of plans swimming in my head, ideas that were just floundering while I was working, but now they finally seem to be bobbing on the surface and ready for me to snatch them up.  J has said I need to have a daily schedule and a weekly schedule at home, just like I do at work to keep me focused.  I agree.  I'm all about making lists and scratching lines through each completed task.  But mostly, J demands my number one new job is taking care of my health.  I am truly fortunate to be able to do this, and to have a partner who loves me enough to support this decision and opportunity.

And I also know that, I may find that staying home is NOT what's best for me and I may get bored out of my mind, but come May I will have the chance to find out.

MISS GEE

07.35 - By Unknown 0

Balance

Yes, I'm up early on a Saturday morning, really early.  J is already gone, he was meeting a buddy to go off and be a guy for the day.  And I have an early morning eye doctor appointment anyway.  Plus our old mattress just really sucks and once I'm "awake", my back is so sore it makes it almost unbearable to continue to lay there. I gave it awhile, then finally got on up.  I am normally up early on the weekends, and I let J sleep in for a bit.  I like to have a quiet moment with my coffee and read the paper before all the housework and errands begin.  We work so much during the week, we have to cram everything else in on the weekends- fun and chores.  This weekend will be about fun and unwinding after a stressful week for J.  I am staying home and catching up on stuff- laundry, my flower and herb garden, reading, and hopefully making some new pottery.

J and I try to have a good balance between time together and time as individuals. It's important for us both.  I'm not a nagging wife, and I'm not a distrustful wife.  I was happy to go out to dinner last night with him, and then let him go off for the day with his best buddy.  He needs time to go enjoy activities that I don't necessarily love, and I need time to do things where I don't need another person attached to my hip.  For J it's manly stuff like playing poker, sports, the firing range, golf.  For me, it's reading or painting, or strolling the aisles at the craft store to see what's new.  We have a lot of pastimes that we do both love and share, and some weekends we spend every minute together.  But this is one of those weekends where we both need to step away from the real world for just a day or two, and do our own thing.  It works for us, and I'm grateful that I have a husband who shares this philosophy.

But while we have great balance as a couple, I myself have horrible balance for my overall life.  And J had a frank discussion with me about that last night at dinner. Well, more like me listening to fatherly advice, which is weird because J is younger than me.  He is concerned about my health, both physical and emotional, but mostly physical.  And it's not even all the weight I've gained, because as a heavy man he knows it's easy to gain and hard to lose.  I told him, I don't know how to work full time and then do anything else.  I work about 50 hours a week, sometimes more, and I have a 40-minute one-way commute.  (J works even longer hours!)  I leave the house at 6:30am or earlier, and sometimes I don't get back home until 7:00pm or later.  There isn't much time in between.  By the time I make dinner, pack lunch for the next day, lay out my clothes and such for the next morning, it's bedtime!  Rarely during the week do I have (make) time to take care of all the "me" things.  And at work, I have a tendency to get very stressed out and keep myself going with lots of caffeine, sugar, and carbs.  (Read: coffee, soda, junk food)

I am not complaining about having a job, I make what I feel is good money.  I don't know what jobs pay in other parts of the country, but I am happy with my salary and because I'm hourly, the extra work means extra dollars.  I am glad that I can contribute to our family in that way.  But in the meantime, while I'm bringing home that paycheck, I am steadily gaining weight, losing energy, finding more aches and pains, and seem to get more depressed.  I am definitely not the girl that J met and fell in love with, and he hasn't change ONE bit!  And there are things going on at work right now that, for the next 2-3 months, will mean a lot more extra hours for me.  Yet J is in the process of perhaps changing our lives again, hopefully for the better, and I will post about that maybe tomorrow- it's been on my mind a lot but I haven't found the right words yet to discuss it.

MISS GEE

03.31 - By Unknown 0