Eventually

I had started another post but deleted it.  I found it to be hollow and very fake.  I think I was trying to cheer myself up, but I'm not sure that is really what I want- or need- to do.  I reminded myself yet again, this blog is supposed to keep me honest, this is my blog for my real feelings, no matter what they are.  The "phony happy" stuff is for my other blogs that the family reads.

I think I'm just super down right now because J is in Philadelphia for the week on business, and after a few weeks of sunshine it's back to being rainy and dreary again here.  Combine the two and I'm just mopey.  J thankfully doesn't have to travel overnight much, and seldom for this long.  So our nights apart are few. And in being honest, there is a little piece of me that is somewhat relieved for a night or two alone.  I can miss J at the same time that I enjoy the evening to myself.  I can shuttle aside the domestic duties of dinner and a clean house, in favor of frozen pizza and reading for hours in my pajamas.  Truth be told, even five months of staying at home now, and I still can't stand doing the housework thing.  It's just not my forte.  I am growing to love my pottery more and more, but when I have to push myself away from my work table and clay and glazes, to go empty the dishwasher, I do get a bit annoyed.  And that's just me being selfish.  We have a beautiful home that I absolutely do not take for granted, and I should be ashamed at myself for not wanting to keep it at its cleanest.

Anyhow.

I've talked before about being alone and being lonely, and the difference between the two.  I am still doing fine as I go through my days alone.  Even to make a small pottery piece there are so many steps involved- shaping the wet clay and firing it once it's dried, glazing it and then firing it again, photographing it and listing it online, packaging and shipping it.  Yes, even just for one tiny bead or charm.  As an artist, being alone most of the time is the key to creativity, and there really isn't any other way to spend your time if you are working on a project.  And I'm okay with that, and my personality is perfectly suited to working by myself.  I see J every morning before he goes to work, we talk at least once a day on the phone, and then he comes straight home every evening as soon as he can.  Usually by 8pm, but that's a part of our marriage that I've learned to accept.  With the new responsibilities he took on when we moved here, later nights at work are just part of the normal routine.  Nothing I do or say is going to get him home to me any sooner.

I have been feeling a bit lonely these days.  Okay, really lonely.  I've come to realize that other than J, I am alone in my current world.  Maybe that's being a bit melodramatic, but it's how I've been feeling.  I've been talking to my long-distance best friend again, having our marathon chats on the phone.  Despite her severe depression, she's been my best friend for almost 13 years now and I just don't want to give up on her, no matter how much she brings me down.  I've about convinced J to take us "back home" for a weekend visit soon, so I can see her.  She was overjoyed at just the thought of having lunch with me.  But she and my other closest friend, are both 300 miles and 5 hours away.  I don't have anyone here.  

Recently I had lunch out with one of the ladies I used to work with here, and tomorrow I'm having lunch with another former co-worker.  But you know sharing an hour with someone, talking on the phone or having a meal out, just isn't the same.  They are barely more than acquaintances, not the type who would drop whatever they are doing at that moment to come pick me up if I was stranded.  I don't really have anyone like that now in my life, except for J.  And lately that's made me sad.  I miss my friends from my past life.  I miss my old city.  I deeply miss my old house.  I miss all the places that I used to go- alone, with girlfriends, with J.  Truthfully, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about our old life.  J confesses that he is the same.  I know he has been equally as unhappy in our new life.  He too left behind friends and favorite haunts.  Neither of us has really connected with anyone new here, even after five years.  He tells me at least once a week, he has never been more sorry about anything than he is about taking this job and moving us.

But that situation is not going to change.  We are not going to move back to our old town.  Even if we did, we couldn't have our old house back and probably couldn't even get into our old neighborhood.  It wouldn't and couldn't ever be the same.  Even the little bagel shop we used to walk to every single Sunday morning, has closed down.  It's funny, I lived in that town for 13 years, and I complained about it all the time.  Truth is, it had nothing to do with where I lived. It was who I lived with.  When I was with W, I was miserable, so I blamed a lot of my unhappiness on the town- he moved me from my hip hometown on the beach to a little hick town for his new job.  I took out my anger at W, on the town instead.  For ten years I put it down, I told everyone how stupid and backwards the town was and how I hated it, and hated living there, and I just wanted to get away.  Substitute the word "town" for "husband" and you see where I was coming from.  Yet once I was with J, my world changed from the inside out and suddenly that little town wasn't so bad after all.  Suddenly I grew to love it, and now here I sit, removed from it almost five years ago, and I miss everything about it.

Our routine was basically the same back then.  We worked together, we took lunch together when we could.  I worked a crazy shift- 4am until 1pm.  I went home in the afternoons and got the chores done, worked on my art or relaxed with a book, then he came home later in the evening and we had dinner.  On the weekends we ran around and did fun things like estate sales or went up to the mountains.  Pretty much nothing has changed for us.  Except our home, our neighborhood, our friends.  We do the same things here, but it isn't the same.  I don't like this house, I hate this neighborhood, we don't have real friends.  This time, when I say I hate this town, I really AM talking about the town.  But, this is where J and I decided together to move.  J isn't crazy about this town either, but we are stuck here for a good long while.  We are trying to make the most of it, but it's been rough going.  If J and I didn't have each other, I'm not sure what either of us would do.  J leans on me as much as I do him.  Moving here made our relationship stronger, but it also made our world so much smaller.

I know it's my fault I haven't made friends.  I had plenty of opportunities when I was working, to make a friendship stick.  I just didn't meet anyone I truly clicked with.  Finding a good friend is like falling in love, you know it the instant you meet the person.  Friendships shouldn't be forced or contrived.  And having things in common with another person, is not a guarantee that a relationship should be formed.  Not one person I worked with, actually lives in my town.  I drove 25 miles to get to the office, and everyone lived all over the map, none of them close by.  I know there are websites devoted to bringing couples together, or seminars on how to meet that special person.  But, where is the help in finding a friend?  Where is the local hangout for folks looking for friendship only?  Will I meet her at the dry cleaners, the grocery store, the garden center?  Those are the places I go.

I already have my soulmate, I just want someone to meet for coffee on Saturday afternoons.  Someone who doesn't live 300 miles away. 

MISS GEE

Our old house- I cry every time I see the photos.  Our life was perfect there.

16.08 - By Unknown 0

One Is Not A Lonely Number

I am trying to be happy today, because the vacation countdown is officially less than a month now.  All the arrangements have been made, and J has tasked me with getting online and finding fun things to do while we are there.  From the photo above you'd never guess our big splurge vacation this year is to Canada!  I don't much care where we go these days, I just look forward to the uninterrupted time I spend with my husband.  I don't get that at home.  I can kiss weeknights off, because J gets home in time to eat dinner, pay bills online, and fall asleep on the couch.  Weekends we spend together, but it's most always taking care of household errands- the garden center for mulch, running the vehicles through the car wash, looking at new down spouts for the gutters, going from store to store to price BBQ smokers.  That sort of stuff.  

And although I'm "with" him, I definitely don't have his undivided attention.  His mind is usually concentrating on things like how many bags of fertilizer he'll need to cover the yard or looking out for who has the cheapest gas.  Not to say that we don't ever do anything fun on the weekends.  We love flea markets and antique stores and auctions, we go to odd but interesting places like railroad museums or wild bird sanctuaries or civil rights monuments.  Things others would find weird or unworthy of their precious Saturday afternoon, I'm sure.  And things I wouldn't do alone.  But with J, even something like a behind the scenes tour of a local TV news studio turns out to be more enjoyable than I could have ever expected.  We prefer to steer clear of the chain restaurants and seek out local eateries on back roads or side alleys.  We like quirky.  Together.  And it's always an adventure for us, no matter what we're doing or where we're at.

Now that I'm staying home all day, J worries about me not having a social life.  I, however, do not worry about this.  Going to work every day at a job I hated, around people I barely tolerated for years, is not a social life anyhow, so what exactly did I "lose" there??  The only socializing I did at work, was going out to lunch once or twice a week with J.  Most of the hobbies I have, are best left as solo ventures.  Writing, reading, pottery, painting, gardening.  Sure, I could go to one of the local "art party" places and pay money to sit in a room with other people I don't know and paint a landscape.  But why would I, when I have my own comfortable space here, all my own supplies, and the peace and quiet I prefer.  And I don't drink alcohol at all, so anything revolving around wine or cocktails holds zero interest for me.  I find that a lot of those "social" situations like painting parties or girls' night bunco tournaments, are not so much about being around people- it's more about getting away from the other people you already spend day in and day out with.  For me that's J, and rarely do I ever want to be away from him, and I wouldn't exchange an evening with him for all the free hors d'oeuvres in the world.

If I want to go to the nursery and look at flowers, if I want to stroll at the farmers market, if I want to go have a fresh salad and bread at the bakery- I don't need company and I am perfectly content to do these things by myself.  I know people who would rather die than go out to eat at a restaurant alone.  Seriously?  I don't understand why.  Embarrassment at being seen alone?  Just being uncomfortable with your own company in a public environment?  I know people who wouldn't even go to a gym alone, they have to have someone else on the equipment beside them to talk to.

Before we moved here, I did have a few very good and close girlfriends.  Even so, we only got together occasionally for dinner or Saturday morning coffee.  Just to sit and chit chat.  I like that, I like sitting and talking with someone without distractions or commotion.  But activities?  Not so much.  Once not long ago, I tried spending the afternoon out shopping with a friend, and I wasn't too into it.  With J it's different, we can look at something and say, wow wouldn't this look great in the living room, should we get it?  With someone who is just an acquaintance, activities together just don't hit all the right buttons like it does with J.  J has talked about taking family vacations, as in, a cruise with our parents.  Never!  Even when I spend the holidays in a cabin with family, I am ready to escape by day three.  He somehow thinks a cruise would be more enjoyable for me, if I had my mom there- really?  My favorite thing to do on a cruise is sit on the balcony and read- how does having my parents there enhance that situation?  So, I've more than once put the kibosh on a family vacation.

I do like dinner out with another couple once every so often, and I don't mind if J invites his best buddy to meet us for lunch in the city, again just occasionally. I do not want other people around us every single time we walk out the door.  And I don't need other people around me all the time.  There is a huge difference in being alone and being lonely.  I am alone all day long now, and I am fine with it, and it's been wonderful.  But at work, surrounded by people for 12 hours a day, I was incredibly lonely because it was the type of place where everyone kept their heads down and stayed inside their little cubicles, and people rarely spoke to one another.  That was the essence of loneliness, and day after day, year after year of it.  But although I like being alone during the day now, I'm sure I would not want it for the next ten years, and when I'm tired of being home by myself I will know it's time to go get another job.  But, not because I'm "lonely" at home.

I know people who have a social calendar that is filled, and I'm thinking about my sister here.  Dinner parties and cook outs and kids' play dates and family gatherings and business luncheons and community organizations.  Always with someone, never a moment alone.  Always on the phone, always texting.  These are the people who say they never have a minute to themselves, they never get to do what they want to do, they never have a second of peace.  They pay lots of money to go to the spa just to sit for an hour or two in a quiet atmosphere, alone, to do something "nice" for themselves.  Sometimes people choose the chaos in their lives.  They say yes to another BBQ at a neighbor's house on Saturday, when what they really want to do is sit by their own pool and read a magazine alone.  Every year for Mother's Day, my sister's gift from her husband is- he gets up early and takes the kids off for the entire entire day, so my sister can be alone.  That is what she wants, the gift of being alone for awhile.  And maybe this is all easy for me to say because I don't have children.

I don't think I'm weird or antisocial for preferring to be by myself during the day!  Am I??

MISS GEE

09.09 - By Unknown 0

Miss You

Vacation is TRULY over now, because I crawled back to work today in the pouring rain to find not only my co-worker out, but my supervisor D out as well. Leaving me all alone to try and catch up on my emails and work from last week, and to also try to do their work today too.  It was a 10 hour day, which is typical. My supervisor just irritated the hell out of me by sending me stupid emails from home all day.  Do this, do that, call so-and-so.  I wanted to email back and say, you bitch you called out today, stay off your computer and leave me the fuck alone!  At least I muttered that to myself for most of the day.

I had to say goodbye to J today too, as he was flying off to the corporate offices in Chicago for the week, for meetings.  He was not too excited about it, but luckily he doesn't have to go out of town too much for work.  Maybe a few weeks out of the year.  Me, I don't get to travel at all, not even down the street to pick up doughnuts for the office.

I always joke with J that wow, I'm glad he's gone, it gives me a break.  But I do it to try and lighten the mood because we both know that, when I'm not around him, I am usually very deep in a black hole.  Partly because I just love him so damn much, I can't stand to be without him.  But partly too because when he's not with me, I realize how meaningless and empty my life is.  I tell him all the time, he is the reason I get out of bed every morning, without him I wouldn't want to even wake up at all.  Sometimes he thinks I'm just being melodramatic, but most of the time he understands that I mean it.  I've never thought of myself as being suicidal, but there's really no other way to take that.

J and I have a healthy relationship, a good balance of being together and apart.  He has stuff he wants to do with the guys- football games, golfing- and I never make a fuss about it.  He still always asks first- honey, do you mind if Dave and I go play poker Saturday night?  And I'm so very appreciative that he respects me enough to do so.  My standard answer is always, I don't mind one bit.  Truth be told, I don't mind if he goes off for a whole Sunday afternoon without me.  In theory.  Most of the time I'm okay.  But there are some days that I get super down, lonely, anxious- even when I know he'll be back in a few hours.

I don't know what triggers those feelings.  I do like to spend quiet time alone, to read or paint, or even goof off on the computer.  I hate sleeping alone though. And I don't sleep well when J isn't here.  I am slightly afraid of the dark, so once the sun goes down and J is not home, I won't sit in the living room alone, or even work in the home office.  I usually slink off to the bedroom with the curtains closed, and the bedroom door shut (okay, I have to crack it a few inches for the cats to come in and out).  When J is here, I'm comfortable everywhere in the house.  When he's not, I feel vulnerable and lonely and scared.

I know he'll call me tonight, and we'll talk for a few minutes, just to check in and make sure I got home from work safely and he got to his hotel okay.  Then I'll take something to make me sleep and watch TV late enough to exhaust me into a coma that not even the smallest sound will wake me from.  It's the only way I can get through those nights without my husband at home.

MISS GEE

15.38 - By Unknown 0