Today was one of my mad at the world days. I have them sometimes. Okay, often. I just wake up pissed off and go to bed pissed off, and the rest of the day I am just pissed off! At absolutely every little thing. Not sure where all that anger comes from, but on the days when I'm just super ticked, I start dwelling on my ex-husband W.
Mind you, I haven't even seen W since spring of 2005. But damn it, I'm still mad at the man, for the 13 years of my life I wasted with him (and yes, I'm mad at myself for it too!). He only did two things right- made us move away to R, which is where I met J. And he got me a puppy our first Christmas together- my boy passed away the year we were separated. I don't like to think about my Lab too much, because I still get sad. He came to us as we started our life together, and he left us as that life together ended. Fate is wicked and cruel sometimes.
W was a jackass, and apparently everyone- girlfriends and family- knew it but never told me. I had to learn the hard way, over the years. Everyone else hated him the minute they met him, and even worse, made fun of him behind my back. Now I look at that time and say, yep, he was a complete jerk and frankly, I'm not sure if I ever even loved him at all. Now that I'm with J, I know what real love is like. And what I had with W, was off by a country mile.
W was a great guy when I met him in our early 20's, or so I thought. I think I was just too immature to see the big picture. I thought he was ambitious, going places, smart, a hard worker, sweet. I thought I had hit the jackpot, he was husband material and would be my partner and take care of me/us. Turns out he was just a drug addict who screwed up his life and tried to take me down with him, and at the end decided it was okay to be abusive, unemployed, and high all the time. That was what HE wanted out of life.
I don't know how other people are, but I have a perverse obsession about what he is doing now, and mostly I just fantasize about his downfall and wish him misery. I know, that is bad karma, but I don't care.
Every once in awhile I will Google his name, to see what turns up. Unfortunately, our names are still linked together in a lot of places- his name shows up on my grandmother's online obituary which makes my skin crawl. If you Google his name, it also brings up my old married name, which equally creeps me out. I will forever be listed as his spouse out there in cyberspace. I keep hoping I will run across his mug shot, but it looks like he has (possibly) straightened out his life and is running his own business, back in the town where we used to live.
I know I'll blog a lot more about him, because I think a lot of the issues that I have now at almost 46, are due to all the crap I went through with him at 26. And I can't seem to get over it or let it go. Not sure why.
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